Near Dark Vs. Twilight

Near Dark (1987) Dir: Kathryn Bigelow Rated: R

Twilight (2008) Dir: Catherine Hardwicke Rated: PG13

Here's a short summary of Near Dark from memory: Set in a small Oklahoma town, Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) meets Mae (Jenny Wright) one night. They like each other and Mae pretty much falls in love with Caleb once they get to talking. He offers her a ride home. They kiss, Mae gets a little carried away, and Caleb is suddenly on his own and feeling like he's got the worst flu known to man.

Because Mae is a vampire. Which means he is turning into a vampire.

The "v" word is never mentioned in Near Dark. Not once.

Wanting to keep him, and the secret of her and her traveling companions (and her undead family), Mae brings Caleb in to the fold to meet Jesse (Lance Henriksen), Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein), Severen (Bill Paxton), and Homer (Joshua Miller). We soon find out that Mae is nothing like her companions. Jesse is the father-figure, Diamondback is his mate, Homer pines for Mae but can't do anything about it because he's too "young" (even though he's really the oldest out of all of them), and Severen...

Severen is just plan batshit crazy.

I'm not even kidding. He wears sharpened spurs on his boots. And uses them. Not against a horse or anything—on a dude's neck when Jesse and the rest of the family initiate Caleb. They only even consider counting him as part of the group on Mae's insistence and Caleb's kickass moment of heroics when he saves them all from pretty much the entire Oklahoma police force in the middle of the day. And this is after he's turned completely (but he still never killed anyone—instead feeding from Mae when he got too hungry). Which makes him just as flammable in sunlight as the rest.

Put to the test, Caleb can't stand the thought of killing someone else. Mae doesn't have the taste for it either and she's really fallen in love with Caleb. She gives him the chance to run off and save himself and his family (Homer wanted to turn Caleb's sister for himself—he's old and alone in his child's body and wants a companion just like him) is kidnapped while she watches over Caleb.

In an interesting twist of mythos, Caleb could be cured by a blood transfusion (which, strangely, makes sense). I won't go into why Bill Paxton looks like someone used his face as a bullet-ridden Brillo Pad in the original poster, but let's leave it at: "Most awesome death of a vampire in a movie ever." Mae saves Caleb's sister, makes it back to him a little worse for the wear (sun burnt just a wee bit), and they use the same blood transfusion trick on her. The ending says that you don't have to change to fit in or impress a girl. Be yourself. We like you guys best when you aren't posturing or killing bartenders with spurs.

Now let's take a look at Twilight. Bella meets Edward. Bella finds out Edward is a vampire (Stephenie Meyer's version of a vampire, at least). Bella meets Edward's family. More vampires (the ebil kind) come after Bella. Edward saves Bella from the other vampires. Thus: she loves him. Despite a lack of chemistry and the fact that Bella is all up for being dying to be with him (literally), this is somehow a good role model for teen girls because of the symbolism of saving yourself before marriage. Except it's not.

Twilight tells girls that they should change to keep the love of their life. Near Dark tells us all that you can still be yourself to meet your perfect match and that person—the one willing to learn more about you rather than wait for you to change so they can commit—is the one for you.

Near Dark is rated R and has no sex—just a couple of really hot kisses between two adults (and a lot of violence). Twilight is PG13 and has an underaged teenaged girl making out with a 130 year old vampire in her bed. In her underwear. *raises her hands in confusion*

My real question is, WHY DID THEY FEEL IT NECESSARY TO CHANGE THE ARTWORK FOR Near Dark?! I apologize for yelling, but tell me which looks better and/or cooler.

This one that I wanna frame and put up on my wall:

Damn, Bill! What the hell happened to your face?!

Or this garbage that misrepresents the movie completely and looks like the Photoshop Disaster to end all Photoshop Disasters (I mean, look at how awful this is)?

Damn, Adrian! What the hell happened to your face?!

I understand that they might feel like someone would look at a copy of this thinking: "huh, this looks like Twilight" and pick it up out of curiosity. Honestly? That first cover up there had me way more interested in it when I first picked it up. I wanted to know just what the hell happened to get Bill looking like roadkill.

Bottom line? Buy Near Dark or add it to your Netflix queue. Just watch it. It's far more romantic and exciting than Twilight. And the acting is miles better. In this fight, Severen kicks Edward's ass.

The Skin of a Killer...

Alternative title: Just Shoot Me In The Face To Save Some Time

It's been said before somewhere (I can't be bothered to look it up)... It's the "fashionable thing" to write a review on Twilight. Or it's an elaborate internet meme. Whatever it is, I read this thing and when I was done I took out my red pen and a highlighter and started correcting it. I agree with my dear Stephen King with the fact that Meyer is not quite up to par with my own personal standards when it comes to authors. Then again, I was reading The Wizards of Earthsea series and Piers Anthony (AKA: the Joy of Puns) books when I was nine. I was a bit advanced as a kid.

That, and I generally don't much care for books written in the first person point of view. If the author's "narrating" character isn't strong enough, the book falls apart for me.

Let's just put aside grammar/spelling errors and plot holes for a moment considering Twilight was written for young adults and not normal "I still read the paper for news in the mornings" adults. Mind you, the paper isn't Tolstoy—but at least the Times doesn't go around saying it's the best thing since Bram Stoker's Dracula. A couple words to the scary "Twi-Moms" out there?

"Calm down."

Oh, and:

"Go read some Jane Austen."

It gets my Chris Hansen senses tingling when 40 year old women are screaming over a 17 year old actor. That's just wrong, folks.

Here's a quick summary: New girl comes to Nowheresville and falls hopelessly in love with the gorgeous ("Adonis") loner guy who happens to be a vegetarian vampire that lives with six other vegetarian vampires. Peripherally, there are three nomad vampires killing people in Nowheresville. Also, vampires apparently sparkle in the sunlight instead of exploding into fireballs like they did in the Hammer Horror movies or the great novel by Bram Stoker.

Okay, I have to get this out of the way. Vampires are mythologically older than the written word. Psychologists put their existence up to man's lust and desire to "consume" his object of attraction.

Dracula 2000 put up an interesting case that the original "Count Dracula" (father to all vampires) was actually Judas Iscariot—and that was the reason why he couldn't stand the sight of the cross, why silver affected him, and why sunlight could kill him (Judas was apparently found hanged just before dawn).

ANYWAY, Twilight takes a look at the regular vampire mythos and says: "Nah, I'll make up my own monster," and comes up with something that's a teeny-tiny part vampire and a larger part diamond plated chupacabra. There, I said it. Edward Cullen is a sparkly chupacabra.

Okay, so Bella is supposedly not a Mary Sue character because she's clumsy, more responsible than her own mother, calls her dad "Charlie" instead of "Dad," and sucks at sports. But she is a Mary Sue in that all the boys immediately fall inexplicably head over heels for her and she smells like an extra yummy walking Happy Meal to Edward. And that little masochist hates himself so much ("THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!") that he falls in love with his hamburger of fate.

Then he runs away from her and makes her miserable and the entire second book could have been solved with either a text message or, egads, a phone call saying: "Hey, Edward, I know you're off pretending you don't love me or whatever, but I'm totally not going to kill myself. Don't do anything stupid, like, munch on a tourist or go tanning at noon. XOXO Bella."

I have no clue what happened in the third book. Other than Mrs. Meyer also decided to change what makes a werewolf a lycanthrope in the first place. The full moon (and ONLY the full moon) controls the change, and when it happens the afflicted has no more say in what his transformed body does. See, werewolves are supposed to be the angsty, tormented, sad, adorable guys that you want to save but can't because:

A) There's no cure.

B) The dude already went on a tear the last full moon, you think the cops are gonna let him go just because he went all hairy and grrr?

C) IT IS MYTH LAW THAT HE WALLOW IN SORROW.

This is coming from the perspective of someone who grew up watching those Wolfman movies. Whatever, Underworld. My werewolves hate themselves. And keep their shirts on (it's really the shoes that suffer).

Twilight is touted as a "timeless romance novel" when the romance in it is about as hot and spicy as a bowl of chicken broth that's been left on the counter overnight. I've read text books that kept me more engrossed. The stupid thing is, I'm still sitting here typing stuff about it because the world has apparently gone insane for it. Here's a timeless romance novel: Sense & Sensibility.

Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of the change in what makes a vampire a vampire (or a werewolf a werewolf) in Meyer's books, I am a bit of a fan of the characters who never really get that much of a chance to talk at all—the "extra power"less couple of Emmett and Rosalie. While not discussed in Twilight, it is mentioned that Rosalie actually saved Emmett from dying a mortal death of a bear attack in another book(yes, this means I've read the entire series). My question is: How did Rosalie Hale end up falling in love with Emmett McCarty? That is an interesting plot—take a complicated character like Rose and dive into her emotional well instead of the shallow pool of Bella "Don't Call Me Isabella" Swan.

Oh man, this is making my brain hurt. I can't call this finished because I know I'll have more to rant about later on...