Near Dark Vs. Twilight

Near Dark (1987) Dir: Kathryn Bigelow Rated: R

Twilight (2008) Dir: Catherine Hardwicke Rated: PG13

Here's a short summary of Near Dark from memory: Set in a small Oklahoma town, Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) meets Mae (Jenny Wright) one night. They like each other and Mae pretty much falls in love with Caleb once they get to talking. He offers her a ride home. They kiss, Mae gets a little carried away, and Caleb is suddenly on his own and feeling like he's got the worst flu known to man.

Because Mae is a vampire. Which means he is turning into a vampire.

The "v" word is never mentioned in Near Dark. Not once.

Wanting to keep him, and the secret of her and her traveling companions (and her undead family), Mae brings Caleb in to the fold to meet Jesse (Lance Henriksen), Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein), Severen (Bill Paxton), and Homer (Joshua Miller). We soon find out that Mae is nothing like her companions. Jesse is the father-figure, Diamondback is his mate, Homer pines for Mae but can't do anything about it because he's too "young" (even though he's really the oldest out of all of them), and Severen...

Severen is just plan batshit crazy.

I'm not even kidding. He wears sharpened spurs on his boots. And uses them. Not against a horse or anything—on a dude's neck when Jesse and the rest of the family initiate Caleb. They only even consider counting him as part of the group on Mae's insistence and Caleb's kickass moment of heroics when he saves them all from pretty much the entire Oklahoma police force in the middle of the day. And this is after he's turned completely (but he still never killed anyone—instead feeding from Mae when he got too hungry). Which makes him just as flammable in sunlight as the rest.

Put to the test, Caleb can't stand the thought of killing someone else. Mae doesn't have the taste for it either and she's really fallen in love with Caleb. She gives him the chance to run off and save himself and his family (Homer wanted to turn Caleb's sister for himself—he's old and alone in his child's body and wants a companion just like him) is kidnapped while she watches over Caleb.

In an interesting twist of mythos, Caleb could be cured by a blood transfusion (which, strangely, makes sense). I won't go into why Bill Paxton looks like someone used his face as a bullet-ridden Brillo Pad in the original poster, but let's leave it at: "Most awesome death of a vampire in a movie ever." Mae saves Caleb's sister, makes it back to him a little worse for the wear (sun burnt just a wee bit), and they use the same blood transfusion trick on her. The ending says that you don't have to change to fit in or impress a girl. Be yourself. We like you guys best when you aren't posturing or killing bartenders with spurs.

Now let's take a look at Twilight. Bella meets Edward. Bella finds out Edward is a vampire (Stephenie Meyer's version of a vampire, at least). Bella meets Edward's family. More vampires (the ebil kind) come after Bella. Edward saves Bella from the other vampires. Thus: she loves him. Despite a lack of chemistry and the fact that Bella is all up for being dying to be with him (literally), this is somehow a good role model for teen girls because of the symbolism of saving yourself before marriage. Except it's not.

Twilight tells girls that they should change to keep the love of their life. Near Dark tells us all that you can still be yourself to meet your perfect match and that person—the one willing to learn more about you rather than wait for you to change so they can commit—is the one for you.

Near Dark is rated R and has no sex—just a couple of really hot kisses between two adults (and a lot of violence). Twilight is PG13 and has an underaged teenaged girl making out with a 130 year old vampire in her bed. In her underwear. *raises her hands in confusion*

My real question is, WHY DID THEY FEEL IT NECESSARY TO CHANGE THE ARTWORK FOR Near Dark?! I apologize for yelling, but tell me which looks better and/or cooler.

This one that I wanna frame and put up on my wall:

Damn, Bill! What the hell happened to your face?!

Or this garbage that misrepresents the movie completely and looks like the Photoshop Disaster to end all Photoshop Disasters (I mean, look at how awful this is)?

Damn, Adrian! What the hell happened to your face?!

I understand that they might feel like someone would look at a copy of this thinking: "huh, this looks like Twilight" and pick it up out of curiosity. Honestly? That first cover up there had me way more interested in it when I first picked it up. I wanted to know just what the hell happened to get Bill looking like roadkill.

Bottom line? Buy Near Dark or add it to your Netflix queue. Just watch it. It's far more romantic and exciting than Twilight. And the acting is miles better. In this fight, Severen kicks Edward's ass.

Robert Downey Jr. is STILL Iron Man

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Dir: Jon Favreau

Rated: PG13

This is probably going to be the only "new" review on this blog. Mostly because I started it to promote the lesser known/less watched films that snuck past our radars. And I wanted to do a few book reviews while I was at it. Come to think of it, I could actually review Matt Fraction's "Five Nightmares" storyline for the current Iron Man comics...

Okay enough. I saw the first Iron Man ten times in theaters. I have the ticket stubs as proof. It was the first movie in a long time that kept me interested the whole time and got me invested in the characters—even the bad guys. The fact that I love the character of Tony Stark because he's like a cross between the absent-minded professor and Batman (actually, Tony's richer than Bruce Wayne). He's a genius billionaire grease monkey playboy with a heart of poly alloys and an arc reactor and deep emotional stress regarding trust and the people closest to him.

So the first Iron Man was a total success in my book—and I couldn't think of anyone else to play Tony Stark than Robert Downey Jr. He is Tony Stark. 'Nuff said.

Onto the sequel... And I'm going to try and go easy on the spoilers. I know I have that warning up on the top of the page but if the movie is still in theaters when I post I feel like I'm being rude to the film makers.

I had tickets for the midnight showing of the IMAX Experience.

I bought my ticket last Thursday through MovieTickets.com

The theater was sold out—in the IMAX and the regular screenings. We were all amped up to see Iron Man 2 (one guy even came in with the mask on and got cheers) and buzzing in our seats. I couldn't sit still.

I even wore my Stark Industries shirt.

As everyone came in and filled all of the seats we had Mr. Usher Who Hates Disturbances give us that "shut off your cell phones and don't, for the love of God, text during the movie because it's annoying" speech. I turned my phone off. But not before using it to take a shot of the iPod app countdown that I had.

You can't read it, but that says "00:30:25"

Then the light's dimmed, we all got quiet and sat back for the trailers. The first ones, I honestly forgot what they were for. But TRON Legacy and Inception (a Christopher Nolan film) really got us going. The trailer for Twilight: Eclipse, however, was booed by all of us. And when I say that, think of over a hundred people hissing and making racket all at the same time. We were one organism. That was the power of this. I mean, it was even more charged than the first screening of Star Trek and that, coming from a Trekker, is powerful.

The movie started.

We all shut up and watched.

And by God, it was a good movie.

Hollywood is plagued by "bad sequel syndrome" but Iron Man 2 took what the first movie gave us and built upon it. We comic nerds got Justin Hammer (smarmy jerk extraordinaire—played by Mr. Affable Sam Rockwell) as a villain, Ivan Vanko AKA Whiplash (portrayed by Mickey Rourke in one of his best character roles) as another villain, and Tony Stark's own body as a third hurdle to surpass. Rhodes (I'm sorry, Terrence Howard, but I loved Don Cheadle more as Rhodey) felt more fleshed out as his character—Airman first, Tony's friend second, and in the end just extraordinary. He actually felt more like Tony's friend. I don't really know how to explain it...

As for Natalie (Natasha—it's Natasha Romanoff) as The Black Widow?

Holy hell. Scarlett Johansson knocked it out of the park. Literally. Okay, not literally, but she really—really—kicked some ass. Happy, our dear and beloved director Jon Favreau, FINALLY got to kick some ass on his own, too. Watch out for a Mike Tyson move from him and you'll know exactly what I mean.

I have no coherent words for how much I loved Sam Jackson as Nick Fury. He's just... WOW.

I will admit I am a big fan of the relationship (friendly and romantic) between Tony and Pepper. Not just from the movies, but in the comics as well. This film does not disappoint.

Character note: I don't agree with some of Pepper's taste in art. I can't stand Barnett Newman.

That pretty much rounds out my entire experience watching Iron Man 2. It does not disappoint. It surpassed my expectations almost entirely and even though the run time was long at two hours and four minutes it felt worth the length. Once again, I left the theater elated and feeling like every ounce of my energy spent waiting for the sequel was worth it—I never once felt bored. That is tough. I get bored fairly easily when it comes to superhero movies (don't get me started on Superman Returns). Not here.

I left the theater in high spirits, rolled down all of the windows in my CR-V, and blasted Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" and AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" as I drove out of the parking lot and home.

This was my stowaway during the film. The little repulsors in his hands somehow got turned on in the middle of the movie and I didn't notice until the end credits that my bag was glowing ever so much...

Now don't forget to stay during the credits. Sing along with the music, read ALL of those names that represent the people who poured their energy and hard work into making the film, and stay for that extra scene at the end. It sets up another member of the Avengers—one I've often considered the craziest. Let's just say when I was a kid I watched the "Asterix of Gaul" cartoon and read the comics... And they're kind of related. In a miniscule way. But you catch my drift.

Bottom line?

Go see Iron Man 2. It's excellent.