The Skin of a Killer...

Alternative title: Just Shoot Me In The Face To Save Some Time

It's been said before somewhere (I can't be bothered to look it up)... It's the "fashionable thing" to write a review on Twilight. Or it's an elaborate internet meme. Whatever it is, I read this thing and when I was done I took out my red pen and a highlighter and started correcting it. I agree with my dear Stephen King with the fact that Meyer is not quite up to par with my own personal standards when it comes to authors. Then again, I was reading The Wizards of Earthsea series and Piers Anthony (AKA: the Joy of Puns) books when I was nine. I was a bit advanced as a kid.

That, and I generally don't much care for books written in the first person point of view. If the author's "narrating" character isn't strong enough, the book falls apart for me.

Let's just put aside grammar/spelling errors and plot holes for a moment considering Twilight was written for young adults and not normal "I still read the paper for news in the mornings" adults. Mind you, the paper isn't Tolstoy—but at least the Times doesn't go around saying it's the best thing since Bram Stoker's Dracula. A couple words to the scary "Twi-Moms" out there?

"Calm down."

Oh, and:

"Go read some Jane Austen."

It gets my Chris Hansen senses tingling when 40 year old women are screaming over a 17 year old actor. That's just wrong, folks.

Here's a quick summary: New girl comes to Nowheresville and falls hopelessly in love with the gorgeous ("Adonis") loner guy who happens to be a vegetarian vampire that lives with six other vegetarian vampires. Peripherally, there are three nomad vampires killing people in Nowheresville. Also, vampires apparently sparkle in the sunlight instead of exploding into fireballs like they did in the Hammer Horror movies or the great novel by Bram Stoker.

Okay, I have to get this out of the way. Vampires are mythologically older than the written word. Psychologists put their existence up to man's lust and desire to "consume" his object of attraction.

Dracula 2000 put up an interesting case that the original "Count Dracula" (father to all vampires) was actually Judas Iscariot—and that was the reason why he couldn't stand the sight of the cross, why silver affected him, and why sunlight could kill him (Judas was apparently found hanged just before dawn).

ANYWAY, Twilight takes a look at the regular vampire mythos and says: "Nah, I'll make up my own monster," and comes up with something that's a teeny-tiny part vampire and a larger part diamond plated chupacabra. There, I said it. Edward Cullen is a sparkly chupacabra.

Okay, so Bella is supposedly not a Mary Sue character because she's clumsy, more responsible than her own mother, calls her dad "Charlie" instead of "Dad," and sucks at sports. But she is a Mary Sue in that all the boys immediately fall inexplicably head over heels for her and she smells like an extra yummy walking Happy Meal to Edward. And that little masochist hates himself so much ("THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!") that he falls in love with his hamburger of fate.

Then he runs away from her and makes her miserable and the entire second book could have been solved with either a text message or, egads, a phone call saying: "Hey, Edward, I know you're off pretending you don't love me or whatever, but I'm totally not going to kill myself. Don't do anything stupid, like, munch on a tourist or go tanning at noon. XOXO Bella."

I have no clue what happened in the third book. Other than Mrs. Meyer also decided to change what makes a werewolf a lycanthrope in the first place. The full moon (and ONLY the full moon) controls the change, and when it happens the afflicted has no more say in what his transformed body does. See, werewolves are supposed to be the angsty, tormented, sad, adorable guys that you want to save but can't because:

A) There's no cure.

B) The dude already went on a tear the last full moon, you think the cops are gonna let him go just because he went all hairy and grrr?

C) IT IS MYTH LAW THAT HE WALLOW IN SORROW.

This is coming from the perspective of someone who grew up watching those Wolfman movies. Whatever, Underworld. My werewolves hate themselves. And keep their shirts on (it's really the shoes that suffer).

Twilight is touted as a "timeless romance novel" when the romance in it is about as hot and spicy as a bowl of chicken broth that's been left on the counter overnight. I've read text books that kept me more engrossed. The stupid thing is, I'm still sitting here typing stuff about it because the world has apparently gone insane for it. Here's a timeless romance novel: Sense & Sensibility.

Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of the change in what makes a vampire a vampire (or a werewolf a werewolf) in Meyer's books, I am a bit of a fan of the characters who never really get that much of a chance to talk at all—the "extra power"less couple of Emmett and Rosalie. While not discussed in Twilight, it is mentioned that Rosalie actually saved Emmett from dying a mortal death of a bear attack in another book(yes, this means I've read the entire series). My question is: How did Rosalie Hale end up falling in love with Emmett McCarty? That is an interesting plot—take a complicated character like Rose and dive into her emotional well instead of the shallow pool of Bella "Don't Call Me Isabella" Swan.

Oh man, this is making my brain hurt. I can't call this finished because I know I'll have more to rant about later on...